Man Rides Bike

I tend not to get riled by many things but my hackles rose as I read this news story (yes, I said NEWS story) -

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

Now, I don't understand why anyone would want to have sex with a bicycle but I figure each to their own. Maybe I missed the appeal ads but as far as I'm aware there is no society for the prevention of cruelty to two-wheeled modes of transport so in a moral sense I think it's fair to say your average Raleigh Grifter or whatever model floats your boat is fair game for a bit of how's your father. As far as the logistics of giving your pushbike a good seeing to are concerned I'm in the dark - where's the orifice - was the saddle unscrewed? Unfortunately the report didin't provide these important details.

I've never lived in a hostel. But I'm guessing that its kind of like a shabby hotel. The fact that this man had a room of his own suggests he was afforded some privacy and that what he got up to behind those closed doors (as long as it was between consenting adults... or a non-consenting bicycle - I think we've established bicycles have no rights) is his business. I'm assuming he locked the door of his hostel room to put his metal-framed partner at ease and to allow an uninterrupted air of relaxed romantic ambience to ensue. So everything is set - he has a willing (or unwilling, it doesn't matter) partner ready and waiting (in bed? again details are sketchy - would he run the risk of oil or dirt on his bedsheets) and the mood is set for some aftrenoon bike delight.

So now these two maids come bursting in. Call me cynical but my guess is they've been outside that door all this time, listening to the poor fella sweet talking the saddle of that sexy little five-speed number with the drop down handle bars (I know nothing about bikes) and they've picked the optimum moment to barge their way into the love den, stifling their giggles just long enough to act all shocked and surprised at seeing a grown man naked from the waist down looming over his bicycle lovething.

Jeez, can't a guy f**k his bike in peace!